The More Things Change... The More They Don't Stay The Same

            Is that the way that goes? No, it really isn't, but I'm going to go with it for now. Rereading my previous blog posts, I finally got to a point where I was like, 'WTF was I thinking!' Don't you love it when that happens? My first instinct was to take them all down. After all, so much has changed and who would truly understand that what once was, can turn into something that no longer is? How dramatically someone can change over the course of so many years is almost unfathomable. Who would be able to fully grasp that concept? Perhaps more people than I would imagine.... perhaps less. Who knows.

            In the end, life happens, time moves on, and everything changes. What were once the driving forces in our lives; the things that consumed every fiber of our being; the things we gushed about on social media, our blogs, and to everyone who would listen, willingly or otherwise; eventually became the forest fires that scorched the earth, leaving nothing behind but excessive room for regrowth... however impossibly long that may take. Many of the things contained in my previous blog posts are just that... moments in time, snapshots of places my mind was in long ago. They are bits of history, immortalized in print... each of them a moment, a memory, a glimpse into the past, a warning for the future, and a realization that the more things change... the more they really don't stay the same.

            So, dear consumer of my blog vomit, take the things you find here with a grain of salt and the understanding of what I have just mentioned... and another thousand grains of salt. Only move forward if you are able to do these things... otherwise, you may find yourself upset, confused, and unnecessarily perplexed. Move forward at your own risk, as I will not entertain any complaints you may file due to your own lack of understanding and blatant disregard for the content of this particular post, which effectively provides insight and more than fair warning. You have now been effectively warned... and as always, You Are Welcome.

Music Calms the Common Beast... and so does Medication (How to Turn a Tiger into a House Cat)

            So... it's been what... 5 years? Yeah, way too long. Here goes what will likely be an effort in futility, but perhaps it will get better with time and practice... or at the very least, it won't be another 5 years before I try doing this again. Regardless, for the moment anyway, it's time to hop back on that old 'Blogging Bike' and see if I remember how to ride.

            Side Note: I'm on my laptop and I just went to pull the sleeves of my hoodie up, at which time I realized I can't do that, as the ridiculous amount of Pandora bracelets and charms on my left arm are uncomfortable on the keyboard and will likely scratch the hell out of the Alienware laptop I love so much. Between the 5 bracelets and 2 necklaces, I can not even begin to guess how much I have put into this crazy collection. When people see it they always say 'You must really like Pandora'. My response, 'Yeah, just a little... it's an addiction... there should be rehab for this.' The people laugh and I go on with my life. There isn't really any need for explanation. It's kind of apparent I have a problem, or at one time I did anyway. So, that leads me to my next portion... What breaks an addiction like that? One that causes you to drop by the local jewelry store and spend a few hundred dollars anytime you are bored, depressed, happy, or for no reason what-so-ever? Not having the few hundred dollars available to spend. Yep, that will break an addiction pretty quickly. Sure, there are people who can not stop an addiction for lack of funding and for those people, I truly sympathize, as that can lead to some very unsavory activities to acquire said funding. Not a path anyone truly wants to traverse. But, I digress. In my case, there came a point where things like food and housing became more important than Pandora, so my addiction was put on hold. Was it completely cured... no, not so much, but as any recovering addict would do, I remove myself from the temptation. I don't look at the website to see what's coming out, what has already been released, and what will retire before I can get my hands on it. I don't go near the Pandora concept stores or any jewelry store for that matter. Sure, I know have credit cards those things could go on, but that is a discussion for another day, and something I keep myself from doing... for good and likely obvious reason.

            So, today's blog is brought to you by the letter... L... and the letter C. The letter L is for Lazy and the letter C is for Cats. Confused yet? LOL Today, I got up, sat down on the couch to have my morning coffee... at noon (It's my day off, don't hate) and noted my Lazy Cats lying on the back of the couch and in the spot I wanted to sit in respectively, as there are two of them, and a blog started writing itself, in my mind. It's not like this hasn't happened countless times over the past 5 years, I just haven't actually taken the time to pull out my laptop and immortalize it in print before it disappears. Today, however, appears to be the exception. Okay, so you're likely inclined to begin to think it's a wonderful thing that I am so motivated today and that is awesome. Yeeaahh... how about, I have a lot of things to get done today... that I am neglecting, to do this instead. Mostly because I don't feel like actually doing anything I should (I'll regret that later) and am using this as another in many good, but only good in my own mind, excuses to procrastinate. Yep, so there you go. Didn't want you to get the wrong idea. You can thank me for that later... preferable in the form of a small, or maybe large if you are so moved, checks or moneys order made out to yours truly. I also accept cash, so don't be afraid to send that as well... just so you know. I won't hate on your gift of good ol' American Greenbacks either. Just saying. Now you know. You Are Welcome.

            As I read through my old blogs today, and if you haven't had the chance to do that I would recommend it, in the instance that you might need a little insanity in your life or you just have a whole lot of time to spend doing such, or you don't have the time to spend but are looking for a way to effectively procrastinate... they are available, here... or on the other page (go back a page), or via a link to 'The Old Stuff'. Whatever, now you know, and knowing is half the battle. I'm sure the other half is acting... but if you're reading through all of this internet vomit, you're not any more likely to actual 'act' today than I am. Kudos. At the very least, I will amuse, confuse, and confound you for awhile while you also get less than nothing done with your day. Again, You Are Welcome... you already know what to do... (see last paragraph). Just a friendly reminder, of course.

            Where was I going with that? Oh, yeah. As I was reading through my old blogs today, a few things came to my mind, aside from the realization that I am not doing any of the things I had planned to do today and if I do it will be at the very last minute, as is usually the case with my life. Regardless... the few things I realized: A) It has been a REALLY long time since I have written anything at all. No, that's not a reason to decline sending a gift. Just saying. B) A LOT has changed since I was writing before, to the point where I am almost ashamed to have those things floating out there in cyberspace. Almost. It's my life and where I was at the moment, so if nothing else, it stands as a testament to where I was at that place in time and a reminder that everything changes, even though, at the moment, we don't see that as a  possibility or even feel we will ever end up where we are today. Still, everything has changed, and here I am to write about it. That's something, and as I've said before, Something is better than nothing... even though my blog is a testament to the fact that sometimes we can have entirely 'Too Much... Nothing' in our lives, which may or may not be a good thing.

            On to my next point, and finally getting to the title of this blog. Incidentally, it picked itself before I began writing. How does that even happen? A title turns up and says 'Here I am... Now write about me'. Really? Didn't we get stuck having to do those exercises in school? Damn that whole education system. Years later, the same exercise rears it's ugly head and forces you to participate. Sure, you could say it inspires you. Perhaps, in a way it does, but today I am going to go with forces, as the need to participate was stronger than the actual inspiration to write... oh, and I'm effectively procrastinating! Look at me go!!! Impressive, isn't it? Yeah, I thought so too!

            If you know me or have read some of 'The Old Stuff' section, you get the inference in the title. If you don't or you haven't and are not going to read that section, even though that is horribly lazy and unsupportive of you (you know where to send your penance appropriations), I will help you out a bit. I am a Taurus Tiger. (I'm not going into that any further as it is thoroughly explained in an earlier blog and in all reality, you only get so much help if you are unwilling to help yourself, so deal with it, at least you got a small morsel of understanding. As always, You Are Welcome.)

            The Tiger portion is today's focus. Fierce and Frightening, Stealthy and Strong, Patient and Proud, these creatures make their way into our hearts for their beauty, appearance of friendliness (at first still-frame glance, if in that still frame they are sleeping), and simple realization of their innate ferocity. One would imagine this creature could be tamed. Taught to be calm and reserved; taught to relinquish the instinct to attack; forced to abandon the blood thirst born of a simple survival; taught to stay in one place, stripped of it's wanderlust and natural need to keep moving; trained to be reduced to an albeit not so common pet. I am here to tell you, within the realm of a purely metaphorical interpretation, this is actually possible. (Do Not Try This At Home... You have been warned. Yes, You Are Welcome... Again.)

            Unfortunately, a Tiger CAN be reduced to a House Cat, living out it's days lazily lying on the back of a couch; waiting for sustenance to be provided to it while giving up it's instinctive desire to hunt, capture, and kill for nourishment; walking around the feet of its captor longing for a moment's worth of attention and adoration; sitting at the door remembering a life of freedom, a world abounding with possibilities, imagining a life unindentured; conceding to a reality of restriction, an overwhelming loss of free will; and returning once again to the back of the couch, to dream of a life so long lost, of unrealized dreams, and be immersed in a nirvana only accessible through a state of deep unconciousness. This is possible. This is real. This is not as it should be.

            One would imagine there would be sympathy in the heart of the captor. Remorsefulness at the disenfranchisement of such a majestic creature. Yet, there is none. There is simply the deranged sense of accomplishment derived from seeing a creature, tamed at the captor's own hand, as a triumph... as opposed to the tragedy it truly is. Without going into how this can happen, How one can turn a Tiger into a Common House Cat, as that would take more time than I will allow myself for this exercise and will likely open up a few proverbial cans of worms I am not willing to contend with at the moment... I will simply say, while some believe 'Music Can Calm the Common Beast'... Medication can as well. Tranquilizing an animal, long term, will of course keep it subdued... more so than will ultimately be beneficial to any party involved, but nevertheless, the option is one widely accepted and embraced by captors, captives, and the medical community as a whole. While there may be some benefits to certain medications, that in itself, is an entirely separate blog for another day.

            I will once again warn you, dear reader, Do Not Try This At Home. There is an old saying stating 'A Tiger never loses its stripes'. Take that as a forewarning, an ominous prophecy, if you will. The pet you may seek to acquire and then take great pains to subdue and subjugate, is still a wild animal at heart. It still retains the ability, however deeply interred, to rise up and strike without warning and without what you will see as reason. Trust, the reason is there. It always has been. You, dear captor, immersed in your foolish grandiosity, will have been blind to the writing on the wall... or the stripes on the Tiger, per se.

            That is were I will leave you today, oh fan of my insane blog vomit. Confused, Confounded, possibly Amused, and perhaps almost Enlightened. Almost. After all, if I were to actually enlighten you, you would have no need and/ or desire to wait out the next 5 years it will take me to finally write the next blog... and we can't have that, now can we. So, as always, since this particular blog anyway, feel free to send financial motivation if you would like to see more of my insane regurgitations prior to 5 years from now.

            *** Please Note: There is no guarantee either real and/ or implied that any motivation, financial or otherwise, will cause the writer to produce the aforementioned regurgitations at any time in the near and/ or distant future. You have been warned... and Yes, You Are Welcome. You can thank me later. I know you want to. ... End semi-legal necessity.***

            Good Day, Reader. Feel free to go back to whatever it was you were supposed to accomplish today. I, on the other had, feel the need for a cat nap. Really... Go... Go Now... There is nothing more here... For Now. (You can feel the anticipation, that there may, at some point be something more. I know you can. Don't worry... it's okay, but you should possibly be afraid. Just saying. You Are Welcome... Again.)

-- End Blog Vomit--

About Me... The following material may be disturbing to some viewers. Viewer discretion is advised.

I guess every blog, profile, etc needs an ‘About Me’ section, so here goes. Be warned though, if you don’t know me very well, some of this will be a surprise and some of it just won’t make sense at all. If you do know me well, you’ll likely just laugh and shake your head. Either way, have fun viewing a glimpse of my inner insanity.

I was born on April 29^th, 1974 at 5:45pm in Erie, PA. Saint Vincent Hospital to be exact. If you do astrological charts, have fun with this one. I’ve already done it, but additional insight is always appreciated.

I’m 36 years old, at least while I’m writing this, although I still think I’m 25 and am pretty much refusing to grow up and/ or grow old. I honestly have a hard time figuring out where the last 10 years of my life have gone and why I’m not 25 anymore. My body still feels and looks about 25, but my mind feels about 250. This is a very confusing concept for me to grasp, so most times I don’t even try to understand it, I just go with it.

Age dilemmas set aside, I am an old soul. My mind functions as if it has somehow lived many lifetimes and I’m sure that it is simply transference between my soul and the deepest corners of my mind. I have lived more life, in my short time in this body, than most people have experienced who are twice my age. If that has been the case, throughout many lifetimes, then my feeling of being old beyond my years is somehow justified. It’s a strange and disconcerting feeling, to feel as if you have ‘been there and done that’, even if you know, in this life, you haven’t. Stranger yet, is looking into someone’s eyes and knowing you have looked into them before, many times before and seeing something there that you can’t quite put your finger on, but something that is so familiar to your soul that your mind pushes ever harder to find its distant memory, yet it can not. It’s a beautifully confusing feeling… one I will never really understand, but will always love.

My earliest memory is sled riding down the hill at my Great Grandparent’s house with my Father. I was told I was about 3 years old then. It still floors me that some things are so clear in my mind, and others that should be (like what I was supposed to remember to do today) are so distant.

I’ll not get into my childhood much here, as it would take forever. I’ll save most of that blog vomit for another time. In a nut shell, my childhood was good and bad. Isn’t everyone’s though? I was never really into school. I found most of it beyond boring. What should have been mind motivating, was most times mind numbing. It was always entirely too easy for me to skim through a book, teach myself the lessons the class was learning for the semester in less than a week, and go on with my life. Homework didn’t appeal to me, as I always considered it mindless busy work. Sure, I can see its application if you are one of the students who can not grasp the concept of what is being taught, but that wasn’t the case with me, so I found it to be pointless. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to matter if you can ace all the tests, when the homework you refuse to do counts as half of your grade. So, As on tests and Fs on homework average out to a C student who is in gifted classes, generally bored with school, and is always trying to find something else to occupy their overactive mind… some of which isn’t always good. (evil grin)

Contrary to what most people would think, I am and have always been kind of shy. If I am comfortable with my surroundings and the people there, I am a veritable social butterfly. Otherwise, I am content to sit quietly and take in the activities around me… always psychoanalyzing what is going on, of course. If I look like I am staring blankly into space, don’t be fooled, there are worlds constructing themselves inside my mind. I have always been like that, at least for as long as I can remember.

I see beyond what I should. I guess that merits some explanation. Deja Vu is something that is entirely too familiar to me, and the least of what I experience. Most times, it is more like premonitions, as much of what I see actually happens. Other times, in the instance of deep connection, it is actually seeing through someone else’s eyes, which is very disorienting. No, I don’t have any control over it. Sometimes I wish I did. Ah, to be able to see more than I can when I want to, and to see less than I do when I see something I don’t want to see, would be a gift and a blessing. For now though, as it has always been, this is both a blessing and a curse. I keep telling myself I will work on learning to channel this. Funny, in 2009 I not only started to find out how strong it is and lose my fear of it, but also started learning how to give it direction. As that situation crumbled though, and my safe haven for experimentation was stolen away from me, I found myself being taken over by something I couldn’t control on my own. Incidentally, I still believe I was never meant to be able to handle it alone, which is why it didn’t get amazingly strong until it was held tight in the hands of my soulmate, the only person who has ever been able to not only amplify but control whatever this is… this ‘thing’ I was born with that I still can’t explain. My last resort and only means of saving myself from certain destruction, was to medicate away what only a year prior, I had dug out of the recesses of my mind and welcomed with open arms into the forefront of my life. Did I miss it? Of course, as you would miss anything that has always been with you, that has become a part of you, that you are forced to lock away. Strangely enough, little by little it is finding its way out of its locked box. I think, somehow, I knew the medication would only be able to constrain it for so long. The combination of mind, soul, and metaphysics is something much stronger than any pharmaceutical. Once again, I see beyond what I should… but this time, without any help to keep it in check. The future is only frightening… when you see glimpses of what it holds. An unknown, is much easier to deal with.

I am an addict. I am addicted to caffeine and nicotine. No, not the worst things one could be addicted to, but still bad enough. I’m usually a very tired person, so if I plan on staying awake for more than a few hours at a time… I pound coffee like an athlete pounds water. Starbucks is definitely my weakness. I love every chance I get to go there and would probably live there, if I could. Yes, I smoke. I have since I was a teenager. Why? I’m not completely sure. I have my reasons which make it justifiable in my own mind, but perhaps that’s just the nature of addiction.

I am very self conscious about what I weigh and how I look. Sometimes this goes to the extreme of not eating, although that is usually a subconscious reaction. Sure, I recognize it… but only after I have ‘forgotten’ to eat for a day or two. I have my own theories about why I’m like this, but I’m certainly not about to disclose them here. Sorry. If you know me well enough, I’m sure you have your own theories too, so have fun with those.

I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. I am the oldest of 4 children. I am closest to my next youngest sister, who I refer to as ‘Seester’ or ‘Teege’. She has been there for me throughout my life, and has never abandoned me… even though I’m sure she has wanted to, at least a few times. More recently, she is my personal psychotherapist. Most of the time I appreciate it and other times I don’t, but she is still my Seester, regardless, and I still love her. My brother is outrageously smart (I think it runs in the family) and many times a serious smart ass. He’s really funny though and is someone anyone would appreciate having in their lives. My youngest sister is also very smart and is about to graduate college with a degree in Marine Biology. She’s funny and easy to get along with. No matter how rough things get, she’s always the person you can count on to lend a smile and try to lighten a room with a joke. Yeah, I Love them all!!! I’m so glad I wasn’t an only child.

My mother is amazing. She is strong and steady, occasionally unstable, and always full of Love. She has had to live a hard life, but has always done her best for all of us, even if we’ve driven her to the brink of insanity… repeatedly. I’ll always appreciate all her efforts, hard work, wise words, and Love. Those are the things that last a lifetime.

I don’t make close friends easily. I almost always keep the real me hidden and just beyond the reach of anyone who tries to get too close to me. Self preservation, I suppose. I do however have many acquaintances and friends that mean a lot to me.

I have two best friends. They are the kind of friends that know everything about you, yet still accept you just the way you are. The ones that will not judge you, usually, and even if they do, it’s purely out of love. These are the two people in my life, that neither space, time, nor situations have been able to separate us, nor will they ever. Trust, all of those things have tried to, repeatedly, but they have never been successful. I absolutely love them. Well, truth be told, I Love one and am in Love with the other. Yes, there is a difference. It definitely makes for a strange situation. If you know me though, you already know all the details. If you don’t know me, or don’t know the details, it’s likely because you’re not supposed to… so don’t look to me to disclose any of them. What I hold inside me is mine and mine alone. What I choose to share can either be a blessing or a curse… it’s all in how you look at it. If you have the key the little black box I keep inside myself, feel free to use it. The catch, is that I alone know where it is hidden. A proverbial, ‘sword in the stone’. No, it’s not an open invitation, as one might have imagined. Trust, Hope, Faith, and Love. Without those, can any treasure actually be found, much less acquired? No… Not one that’s worth having anyway.

I have lived a lot of places. Some of which I loved and some I really disliked. The longest I have lived anywhere, since I was a teenager, was just over 5 years and was the place I most recently left. I’ve said many times, ‘A rolling stone gathers no moss… A mossy stone gets stepped on and left behind.’ There is truth in that, at least for me. I am not beyond dropping everything to chase a dream, or remaining in one place to wait for one. I would love to travel and to see the world… but I won’t do it alone. No matter where you are and where you go, there is always a stability and security in having your Love by your side through it all. Good Lord willing, I will someday have that chance. Otherwise, I may be doomed to become that mossy stone… while I wait for ‘someday’.

I love music. I’ve played a lot of instruments over the course of my life. I don’t get along very well with stringed instruments, although I would love to have a relationship with one some day. I can listen to almost anything, but my tastes are pretty mood dependent and therefore definitely wide ranging. Like anyone, I have my favorite groups and songs. Some of those remain on my favorites list for a long time and others change with the times, with my life, and with the moment. I love how a song can bring back vivid memories and take you back to a place and time in your mind, be it good or bad. Right now, Pink Floyd’s ‘Wish You Were Here’ is playing in the background. (sigh) This definitely transcends the confines of space and time. ‘We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, Year after Year… …Wish you were here’. (sigh) There is a life to music, to song, that is all its own. It lives and breathes within me, touches the very core of who I am, and can bring a smile to my face as quickly as it can bring tears to my eyes. … I give an amazing amount of credit to composers, to the people who can pull music and lyrics from their very soul and expose them for all the world to see. You will never be closer to a musician, than when you allow the music that has come from their heart and soul to penetrate your very core, as at that moment, a part of them, has become a part of you.

With that note of inspiration, as always, I will leave the rest of this blog for some other time. I won’t promise I’ll get back to it, or even finish it. I will try though. Someone told me once ‘It’s all about commitment’. Prior to 2 years ago, I had huge issues with commitment. Since then though, I’ve learned the value of it, learned to do it, and am steadily working toward applying my new found skill to other areas of my life. So, who knows… maybe I will finish this blog, or at least continue it sometime soon… maybe.

Unedited Intoxicated Blog... You've Been Warned... Read at your own Risk!

So... I think I promised to write something while I'm... um... yeah, drink. He he he! Was it a promise? Well, not really... but I'm doing it anyway, so, it is what it is.

(Sharks... with frickin laser beams, on their heads!)

I'm kinda stuck on that right now. Hmm... I think I need a few of those. I want them in the mote, that surrounds my castle, that is on my own personal 'I want to be a hermit' island. I'm thinking they will be a fitting accessory for my fire breathing dragon. Yeeeah, I need to hit the power ball, so I can afford to have those creatures genetically engineered, for my own person amusement, of course. Uh... I prob need to buy a ticket first. Hmm. I'm on that... maybe. ... No, come morning I'll have no memeory of wanting to buy a powerball ticket... or likely much else for that matter. Hey, thank God for written evidence, right? LOL

(Looking for my smokes... heeeere smokes... brb)

Ok... I NEED smokes. Time to make a trip to the rez. Not tonight tho... and tomorrow's not lookin real good wither. Hmm... I say that alot. Yeah, a true procrastinator at heart. What can I say? Um... prob a lot... and I'm sure I will... as I have an endless amount of space in which to spew my verbal chunks out onto the internet. BooYah!

Ahh... where to go with my blog tonight? Hmm... that could be a million dollar question. Could be. Won't be tho... as I don't have a million dollars to give whoever turns up with an answer. Yeah, sorry about ur luck. So, don't put any thought into it... ur not getting paid anyway.

Let's see... Love, Life, Friends, Foes, Work, Money, the Future, the Past, what's been lost, what's been gained... So many options. Ha ha ha. Let's see if I can come up with the short version for some of those........ yeeeeah, right.

Love: SUX! (That's the short version) Ok, really tho, Love doesn't suck. Love is actually effin awesome. I can say this now, since I finally got to find out what it was like, short lived as the good part of the experience was. What sux is all the bad shit that can come along with it. So, I guess it isn't Love that actually sucks. It's when the person that you love, that is the only person that has the power to break your heart and cut you more deeply than you ever thought possible, actually does. I guess, if you never fall, if you never let someone in, then you never have to worry about that happening. Of course, you never get to feel Love either. Kinda a catch 22 there. Yeah, people have said that if Love is real, it will never hurt you. True, it won't. Unfortunately, that says nothing for people, who are also real, and will hurt you. In the end... Love is awesome, and being hurt and heartbroken sux. Yeah, you live and learn and somehow you survive... but ur never really the same afterwards. How could you be? I won't be. The person I was, is long gone. Since then, it's been all about finding out who I am, and trying to put the pieces of my life back together... as well as finding some way to fill all the emptiness that was left behind. Sure, Love expands your horizons, your hopes and dreams, and you in your entirety. Maybe that's why, after your heart is broken, there's so much emptiness. Your expanded life, never seems to return to the shape it once was. Maybe it does, a little, but there are always horrible stretch marks left behind, just to remind you of how much bigger things were at one time... and of how much you long for that space to be filled, even tho you know it never will be.

Life: I don't know. Life is good. Life is bad. Life is something you have to live, even when you don't really feel like it. Life is what happens while you're making other plans. (No, that line isn't mine, it's John Lennon's) Life is something that some people have no respect for. Life is something that some people have the utmost respect for, but don't get a chance to show it. Life is something, that if you're truly blessed, you get a chance to give, to create. That part, is something I have given up the chance to do... but that's a different part of the blog... if I get to it. No, I'll likely pass out long before that. Oh, well. In short, I had that chance. When? ... Well, it's likely in the best interest of a lot of people to not disclose that information. Needless to say, I dropped the ball. Yeah, me. I know, right? In retrospect, I'm not sure what I was thinking. Why in the world I would have even suggested waiting. As hard as it was though, as it was something I really wanted, I did suggest it. Long after the fact, I guess I dropped the ball. Not that I didn't get multiple promises for the future... but those, along with much else, have long since vanished, like the smoke and mirrors they were formed from. They say everything happens for a reason. Really? I guess, at this point, I'd like to know what the hell the reason is, as even after more psychoanalysing than I'd like to admit to, I still have no clue what the reason was. Do I believe in meant to be? Yeah, I still do. Do I believe in the words of someone who sees farther into the future than I? Yeah, I still do. Do I still wonder what the hell happened, and how those words, after everything, remain the same, and how they could ever come to pass? Of course I do, because from where I stand, I don't see a path, or a bridge, or a teleporter, or anything that would lead to that point. Maybe that's where Faith is supposed to step in. Damn... I wish I had a little more of that. I swear, if I ever find boxes of it at the corner market, or on eBay, I'm gonna buy out the entire stock.

Anyway, Life... is strange. Just when you think you have it all figured out, it does a 180, laughs in your face, and reminds you... you don't. Ugh. I usually say 'Life if my favorite rollercoaster ride'... and for the most part, sometimes it still is... until the hills get too high, and the falls get too steep, and the ride is going up and down much too quickly... and I just feel like I'm gonna puke.

Oh, well. It is what it is. It's my life... and in all reality, I'm stuck with it. Good, bad, or indifferent, it's all mine. Honestly tho, like everyone else... I would love for it to go back to being mostly good, since mostly bad... just blows.

Friends: Real ones are amazing... a true gift and blessing. Fake ones... always make themselves known in the end, as they always seem to disappear when you need them most. ... If you know me, you know I let very few people 'in'. If you're someone that thinks I'm a social butterfly, who is totally open, and has tons of friends... then, trust, you're not actually as close to me as you think you are... and you don't know me nearly as well as you think you do.

I have very, very few truly close friends. I have one female best-friend, who lives very far away, but who still tries to be there for me as much as possible, and help me make it through the trenches of life. Sometimes she's my source of sanity... when mine, as usual, has flown the proverbial coop... again. lol ... I have one male best-friend, who is closer physically, but sometimes more distant that I will ever really understand. Fortunately for me though, we are so much alike, that he always 'gets me'. Sometimes that's great, as it's awesome to have a best-friend that understands you better than anyone else. Other times though, it can hurt, when you're close enough to someone for them to know when you need something... but yet they're too busy to bother to try to help. Sometimes that feels like a blow off. Like your friend doesn't care enough to be there for you, even though,deep down, you know that isn't really the case. ... In the end though, the nature of having a best-friend, is just knowing that through all the trials and tribulations, through the times when they are there or aren't... you're still always best friends and always will be, and there is no force (be it space, time, or otherwise) that will ever end your friendship or forever separate you. There is something intrinsically comforting about that. Something amazing that comes from the knowledge, that even on your worst day, just a few words from that person, or the sound of their voice, can somehow make you smile. :) So... to my best-friends, who have been there to share the best times in my life, and have also been there to see me through the worst... Thank you... a million times over... thank you. You are my most valuable asset, just as important to me as air, and many times, the only thing that makes me want to take another breath. Oh, aaand I'll def make sure my genetically engineered sharks and dragon don't eat you whn you come to visit my castle. ... Everyone else, will have to take their chances tho. He he he!!!

Ok... even though there is sooo much more to write... mu buzz is starting to wear off, and I'm going to leave this blog on a happy note. I'll breach some of the other, more unpleasant topics, at a later date... and when I'm more in the type of mood to write about them.

For now tho... I'm gonna crash... while I still believe that I WILL own genetically engineered sharks with frickin laser beams on their heads... and while I'm still quite sure that 'tits' is the answer... regardless of what the question is. LMAO!!!

Ciao Readers!!!!

Limited

A limiter stops an increase in volume,

Another ends an acceleration.

A brief reminder of what is considered safe,

What is placed just out of reach,

For my own ‘protection’.

A hawk crosses my path,

Beckoning, for me to follow.

Knowing, I can not fly.

Taunting, as if it knows the limits,

imposed by my very humanity.

Soaring, on a journey,

While I, bound to this Earth,

to this body,

Regretfully decline the impossible invitation.

A skin, just tight enough to constrain my will.

A dream, always a moment from fruiton.

A white flame,

held within the palm of my hand,

One match from ignition.

Ever drawn deeper,

Drowning, in a life unwanted.

Dying for a decision,

Refusal, to live a lie.

Frozen in a moment,

A place in time,

Free from a harsh reality.

A shelter, a home,

A reprieve from a cold and lonely existence,

An endlessly sought serenity, found.

Peace and silence of a stolen moment,

Shattered, by a tolling bell.

Life ever advancing.

Time, a vile succubus,

Endlessly consuming existence,

Perpetually reveling,

In the limits imposed,

upon every facet of our being.

Why a turtle hides in it's shell... When it's not just trying to take a long nap anyway.

Right now I feel like a turtle that needs to tuck itself inside it's shell, until the world outside it's shell, once again becomes someplace it can handle... someplace it actually belongs.

While there are many things that have been able to touch my heart, as I am truly a very emotional person, there has only ever been one person that has gotten it to fall In Love. One person I ever felt that for, one person I ever trusted enough to let in, one person I ever felt connected enough to and sure enough of, to let him have my heart. That's something that means the world to me, as I've never even let someone that close to it before, let alone completely given it to someone. Yeah, that required no only an amazing connection to that person, but an incredible amount of trust, as I know how fragile my heart is. Sure, on the outside I'm a tough girl. I've been accused of looking right through people, being made of stone, having a heart of stone, being the strongest person anyone has ever met, and even being outright evil at times. Maybe some of that really is me. I am stronger than most people I know, when I want to be, when I have to be, and definitely when I'm at my best. I've lived through hell many times over. I've walked away with the scars to prove it... but I've always walked away... not crawled. Perhaps I come across as being made of stone. Maybe that's just how I put myself out there. I guess the having a heart of stone thing goes along with that, as I don't let people get close to me... and I let even fewer into my life. It's likely my own personal form of self preservation. I've been like that for as long as I can remember though.

I'm supposing the man I actually fell completely In Love with, has no idea what a practically impossible battle he has won, to totally overcome 30+ years of self preservation and walls, just to win my heart, which for me is the most precious thing I have, and something that has always been kept meticulously guarded, for fear of having it shattered.

He knows me better than anyone else ever has. He knows that when I'm accused of being a cold, heartless bitch, that's not the truth... and not even close to who I am on the inside. It's just what I let the rest of the world see. I'm really just very guarded and unwilling to let people in. Again... self preservation.

He knows he is the only one that has access to the me behind the steel curtain, and knows that I keep it that way always. I keep everyone else at a distance. To the rest of the world, I am something they can look at, but never get close to and never touch. Truly, I like it that way. Maybe that's strange and doesn't make sense to some people... but to me, it makes all the sense in the world. In the end, I'm the only one that needs to understand why I will only let one person close to me and one person into my heart. Well, I guess I'm one of two people... but the other understands me, and always has, as if we were one person.

So, having something so amazing in my heart, what could possibly make me feel like I want to crawl into my shell and hide?

While there is nothing more incredible than having your heart completely filled with Love, there is nothing more painful than having the person you Love be mean or cold to you... and I'm not even going to go into how it feels to see that person with someone else, looking happy and content. All in all, it's beyond heart wrenching. It's a pain that no pill can dull. It brings tears that burn your very soul.

I'm wondering, at the moment, what is wrong with me? Yeah, me. I'm not ugly by any means. I have a shape that is closer to that of an anime character than a real human. ... I'm the most loving and attentive person I know (when I get a chance to be). I adore doing little things for someone, just to see them smile. ... I love being able to give all of myself to the man I'm In Love with, Heart, Soul, Mind, and Body. ... I don't lie. I don't cheat. I believe that with unconditional Love comes trust, trust that is freely given, not something that someone has to prove. I don't ask for proof. I believe that the person I Love will speak the truth. ... I work my ass off for the things that I have, and enjoy doing it, yet I am the most giving person I know. I would gladly give the person I Love everything I have, including the shirt off my back, because it makes me happy to do so. ... I don't believe in keeping anyone on a short leash (or on a leash at all for that matter). I Love a Man... not a dog. ... I don't require that someone change into someone they aren't to appease me. I would rather let him be who he really is, and Love him unconditionally for that. ... I believe in the power of Hope, Faith, Love, and meant to be. I believe that if you are truly In Love with someone, ANYTHING is possible. I believe in 'soulmates'. I believe in a connection that transcends space and time.

I believe, with every fiber of my being, that I have that with someone. At one point in time, it was sooo apparent, that everyone else could see it too, without either of us saying a word. I DON'T believe that is something that is gone, or that ever truly goes away. Perhaps it's gotten buried beneath the world of shit that life has chosen to throw at us. I believe there are forces in this world that don't want people to be truly happy and In Love. I believe the evil in the world is constantly working to tear apart true soulmates, and that it will succeed if they aren't strong enough to stand up against it and overcome it. The beauty of being with your soulmate though, is that you discover how strong the two of you are together... unfortunately, it also reminds you how much weaker you are apart. Together you can weather any storm, take on and take over the world. Apart... well, the world all of the sudden feels like a very lonely place again.

I can't even begin to explain how I feel right now. It's such a strange mix of Love and Peace from the knowledge of what I have in my heart and the amazing memories that has given me... and absolute Pain and Agony from harsh words spoken, the coldness in his demeanor when we talk, seeing the man I Love with someone else, and the unanswered questions that accompany that. Again, I don't understand, and it really hurts. I don't doubt, that deep inside, he still feels the same Love I do. Why would I? I've been assured of that so many times. When we're together, the connection is there, there is Love in his eyes and in everything he does. I can feel it as well as see it. I just don't understand why it's so different when we're apart... or even why we have to be apart. I'm very confused right now. My world does't make sense to me at all. Hence, feeling like a turtle that wants to hide inside it's shell until the world makes sense again and is someplace it feels like it belongs.

In the end, I'm staring at the keyboard while I type (even though that's really unnecessary), and looking at a pair of black rings that are on my fingers, which I am trying not to drop too many tears onto at the moment. I'm not much for jewelry, but they mean so much to me, and are a constant reminder of where my heart is, where it waits, and where it is destined to remain.

Regardless of whether I decide to hide in my shell for awhile or not, my Heart and Soul will not be there with me. They will be with the one and only man who was ever strong enough, perseverant enough, and an amazing enough creature to capture them. What he decides to do with them, is up to him. He told me at one time... "I'd rather live a lifetime with a broken heart than break a heart that is so precious to me. I'll always want to be with you. Forever. ... The love I have for you is the most intense, absolute, purest form of love I have ever held in my heart. And to hear you say my name makes my world spin around. ... You're my true soulmate. I believe that with all the pieces of my shattered heart, and so long as there's a shred of hope we could be together, I'd wait." ... Even though I am hurt and heartbroken at the moment, I still believe those words to be true, as I always have. I still believe that my Heart and Soul are safe with him, as they have always been.

As long as there is a shred of hope we could be together... I'll wait. I've made the same promise he did, and I will keep that... just as I have been doing, just as I will continue to do... In Life, In Death, In Love.

Boredom, An unsolicited opinion, and a blurb about Valentine's Day

It's only been about a month and a half since I've put up a blog... so much for this being some kind of therapy, huh? So, I guess it's about time to let some more of my randomness puke all over the internet.

I WAS cleaning my house... was. Yeah, it desperately needs done, but it's entirely too mind numbing, and seriously, it's not like anyone else ever sees it anyway. Regardless, I did put forth my usual half assed effort at doing something with it. Until my upstairs neighbors came home, that is. They obviously started drinking way too early in the evening and decided to go home and continue their practically nightly ritual of trying to kill one another. As I seriously can't listen to that for long, and their apt is over the part of my flat that I was trying to clean, I decided it was best to retire to my computer room to do something less irritating than listen to them. My finer thoughts on that subject: If your relationship is so volatile that you've been reduced to screaming, yelling, and fist fighting every night... seriously... find a new relationship! DUH! You would think that would be common sense... but it evidently isn't in some cases. Whatever. At least I'm in a room where I can't hear the bullshit anymore. ... And these are the same people that stomp on the floor (my ceiling) when they feel I'm playing Guitar Hero too loud.. before 10 pm. Really? At least I'm not down here trying to kill someone at 2 am. Anyway, they obviously have no clue what my stereo system is actually capable of, as I do actually keep the volume down in the evening... although one of these nights, I'll have to crank it up and let them see how fortunate they are that I don't do that on a regular basis. :)

Evidently, in a previous post, I commented on posts to come, so... on with that show.

I'll go with Valentine's Day, as that's a pretty easy one to cover in a short amount of time. Yeah, I was alone on Valentine's Day. I kinda knew that was going to be the case though. Even though I'd hoped it wouldn't, it's not like it was unexpected. Was it a horrid day though? Not at all. Sometimes it's the little things in life, like someone going out of their way to do something nice for you, that make all the difference in the world. As it turns out, I receive a message telling me to let my dog out... strange... only to find a Valentine's Day gift that had been left on my porch, by someone very important to me, and the one person who can always find a way to make me smile... even on my darkest of days. As is usually the case with him, the forethought, meaning, and symbolism that went into it were incredible! I'm still touched by it. :) That sort of thing, for him though, is just the norm. I'll never know how he does it. I guess it's just who he is... which is beyond amazing. Even though I was alone physically, metaphysically I was right beside the person I most wanted to be with... and that in itself was enough to make it a great day.

On that note... I think I'm going to end this blog for now. I really did think I would be writing for longer than this, but I do plan on being up late tonight, as I don't work tomorrow, and am thinking I am in need of a short nap. So, for the moment, I will return you to your regularly scheduled program.

Smile... and a hair cut

My day started out with work... well, waking up late for work and barely having time to get ready, but at least I made out the door and there on time. That was a miracle. The rest of the day was work, but I did actually get to work in the Vision Center for awhile today instead of doing training mods all day, which was really fun.

After work... well, some things that made me smile and some things that made me cry... but sometimes that's just normal for me.

Anyway, after waking up from a nap with a great reason to smile (won't mention that... TMI I think lol), I go into my computer room to light an incense stick so I can smoke while I'm on my computer. Evidently, the burning stick got too close to my hair because I wasn't really paying proper attention to the burning item. ... Note to self, pay attention to location of burning items in the future.

My first thought is 'Holy Fuck, my hair's on fire!!!'

My second thought is 'OMG that STINKS!!!'

My third though, before I went to brush all the seared ends out of my hair... which was totally surprising for the way I've been lately, was 'Well, I needed my hair trimmed on that side anyway, so I guess I just saved some money.'

I was actually laughing about it! Wow! That's amazing, as I think for the way I have been recently, I would've normally cried and gone back to bed.

So, I returned to my computer, swept off the burnt hair, and decided to write a short blog about it. Mostly because the tone is so much different than it has been in blogs past... so I felt the need to let some good stuff out instead of it all being depressing.

All in all... even with the burnt hair... I guess it ended up being a good day. Which is REALLY nice, because I desperately needed one of those.

Now, on to work on my fishy tanks... all 30 of them. LOL That may be a post for some other time.

Insomnia and blogging is almost as bad as drunken texting

I'm finding out that I evidently have a serious case of insomnia. It kinda sux. I'm sure as soon as I take my sleeping pill I'll be out, at least for a little while anyway. It's not like they work that well, because I'm seriously getting used to them. Ha, Ha, Ha I remember when a half of a .5mg pill would knock me out cold. Now I take the whole .5mg every night, and it only keeps me asleep for about 4 or 5 hours at best. I also now have 1mg pills to take at night if I need to sleep for more like 7 or 8 hours, but that's all I get out of those. I haven't tried the 2mg ones yet, but I do have them, and I'm sure I'll have to at some point.

Maybe it has something to do with sleeping alone and being alone all the time. Even when I had to sleep alone before, hearing my favorite voice before bed or getting a sweet good night text was enough to grant me a peaceful sleep. I don't have that anymore, so I've been doing the best I can with the pills. I know I have to sleep, so it's not like I have much of a choice. I hate them though, because I know how addicting they are. Hopefully someday I'll be able to put all this medication behind me and look back at this as just a very rough spot in my life that I made it through. Hopefully. ... At this point though, I don't see that happening... and alone... I'm not sure I ever see it happening.

Someone very important to me recently wrote 'all things are possible to move past, but some things are impossible to get over'. I will agree that some things are impossible to get over. Hell, my life is a living testament to that right now. In the past, I might have even agreed that all things are possible to get past... but right now, with this situation, I can't agree. I can't manage to get past this. How do you get past being separated from the only person you've ever been In Love with? I don't have an answer for that. I don't know if anyone does. Maybe if you've been In Love more than once, it gets easier to get over each time. I just don't know. I'm guessing, based upon what I've seen though, that must be the case. Regardless, it's only ever happened to me once, and I don't foresee it ever happening again. Not just because it took 34 years to happen the first time, but given how strongly I feel and how much I'm hurting... I'll never let it happen again. I know, never say never or forever right? I always used to use that line. In the past year though, I've said both words more than I ever have in my life. So, I'm confident in saying that now. He was the first... and he will be the last. I don't doubt for a moment that I will Love him forever. Absolutely, Eternally, and Unconditionally. He will always be the one man I will drop everything for to be with, no matter what. Unfortunately, I'm starting to feel more and more like that is one sided. Whether it really is or not, I might not ever know. If it is... I probably don't want to know.

Is ignorance truly bliss? I don't know. I guess I'd rather have the hard honest truth than have to wonder, guess, and assume. "The truth... You can't handle the truth!" Maybe I can't, but never the less, I'd rather have it anyway.

So, it's almost 6am and here I am gushing on a computer screen. It's not like I have anything better to do as I'm off work today anyway. I have an appointment with the therapist that I really don't like... but that concludes my plans for the entire day. I know, my life is just sooo eventful anymore. Most of my day revolves around either Fish World on Facebook, napping, or work now, since I got a new job. Most of my thoughts, day and night revolve around one person... which is something that I love sometimes... and something that makes me cry many others. I do think a lot about moving away too. Yeah, I have a new job, but I can transfer to any store in the country, so that's not an issue. The only thing that even keeps me here is the hope that someday, maybe I'll get a second chance with the man I Love so deeply and maybe even be able to move away together. Yeah, it's a long shot. I'm trying to stay optimistic at the moment though. Funny, I always used to be such an optimist... now it's getting harder and harder each day to be like that.

So much has happened and changed in what chronologically has been just one short year, but mentally and emotionally could have easily filled ten of those years. I never imagined I would be here today, blogging about the randomness that's going through my mind, mostly because I have no other outlet for it and really have no one that will listen anymore. Well, except my therapist... whom I've already mentioned I don't like. Anyway, she's paid to listen to me and never gives any kind of decent advice, so that doesn't even count for much.

I guess I'm done for tonight... or this morning. I do actually have an appointment I have to wake up and get ready for in 5 hours. Ugh. I'm sure there will be many more blogs to follow about life, love, what it's like to be alone, living in and with silence, and I'm sure one on how cool it is to spend Valentine's Day (as I have all the rest of the recently past holidays) alone.

Okay, I'm depressed enough to sleep now I guess. A little yellow pill and I'll be out cold, for 4 hours or so anyway. If I'm lucky I won't have nightmares, but as that's getting to be an every night occurrence, I'm not feeling too good about actually falling asleep. God, it's like I'm living my worst nightmare. ... "Whatever you do... don't... fall... asleep."

A Mother's Tears... and mine too

I just got off of the phone with my mother. She called because she's worried about me. The worst of it is... that I had to listen to her cry. I guess this is one of those times when I wish I had stayed on the extra medication that my doctor had put me on, as I wouldn't have been able to cry back... but that, of course, wasn't the case. She cried because she's worried about me and scared for me. Honestly, I'm scared too, but that isn't helping me either. She's afraid she's going to have to bury me. She knows I'm dying. At 112 pounds, and dropping about two more each week, I'm afraid too. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight... at least not a good one. She's my mother, so I'm going to assume that she just has that 'mother' instinct that's telling her I probably don't have much time before I end up in a hospital or in a casket if this doesn't turn around. She's likely right. I hate to admit it... but I'm not blind, I can see and feel it too. At one point I knew I was dying on the inside, and I still am. I never imagined it would go so far as to consume me though, literally. I can see my clothes not fitting any more. I can feel my energy level dropping drastically. It's almost like I can feel this eating me alive... and I can't stop it. It's not like I don't try though. I'm just not able to eat without getting very sick and sometimes the food coming right back. Trust, I like it much better when it's going down, not coming up. Ick! Most of the time just looking at or smelling food makes me nauseous. I thought that medication would fix all of this. It turns out, it only helped a little, and not where I needed it most.

So, where do I go from here... when my mother is crying because she's afraid to lose me... when I'm crying because I'm hurting her and I can't stop her pain or mine... when she tells me I have to have something to 'anchor' me to this world... when I know that the one thing that does, the one person that does, is the only thing I can't have.

I have no idea where to go from here, nor even what to do. It feels like any solution I do have, is something that won't happen. I'm lost. As much as it hurts me to admit to that... for once in my life, I'm completely lost and out of ideas. I know I need to do something. I know I probably don't have to long to figure out what that is. I just don't know how to get to anywhere from here.

Once, I had a road map... a clear path to what I thought was a perfect life, real Love, and honest happiness. Now, I have solitude, time to lament, a life that is slowly deteriorating, and everyone else's tears as well as my own on my hands. If nothing else, I have amazing memories and I still have real and honest Love in my heart and soul. That I am thankful for. It's something I never thought I would get to experience.

They say Love kills. Love doesn't kill. Being In Love raises your heart and soul to levels you never even dreamed you could reach. It brings happiness that you never dreamed possible. ... It's losing that Love, being separated from it, that kills. Literally. ... But that's an entire blog in itself, and one that will have to wait until a moment when I'm dropping a few less tears on my keyboard.

Too Much... Nothing

So... I guess the best place to start is with the lyrics to the song that produced my blog title. They're by Mushroomhead, who just happens to be one of my favorite groups. Probably my favorite of all time. I've followed them since 1996. They're a local band from Cleveland, Ohio. Although they are amazing, their music is hard and unique, and they are definitely worthy of 'hitting it big', they've been screwed over by record labels, copied by a band who did make it big by using their style (Shitknot), and screwed over some more. Still, there are lots of loyal fans out there (I should know as I am one) that will always love them and see them as 'big time', no matter what.

Too Much Nothing

Mushroomhead

Too much nothing
I'm always excusing myself
But now it's getting hard to tell the reason why I even care
Increasingly I'm unaware
Instead of bettering myself I'm crawling deeper in my shell too much
The whole point that I am alive seems to escape me at this time
Time I think too much
Nothing too much
I've never known how to behave
I think too much
I've never strayed far from the grave
Nothing too much
I need to get up off the ground
Nothing too much
To force myself to make a sound

Well, that's likely what my blogs will end up being. There's always entirely too much nothingness spinning through my brain... so maybe getting some of it out will end up being beneficial in some way. Who knows. It'll be something... and they say that's always better than nothing.