I just got off of the phone with my mother. She called because she's worried about me. The worst of it is... that I had to listen to her cry. I guess this is one of those times when I wish I had stayed on the extra medication that my doctor had put me on, as I wouldn't have been able to cry back... but that, of course, wasn't the case. She cried because she's worried about me and scared for me. Honestly, I'm scared too, but that isn't helping me either. She's afraid she's going to have to bury me. She knows I'm dying. At 112 pounds, and dropping about two more each week, I'm afraid too. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight... at least not a good one. She's my mother, so I'm going to assume that she just has that 'mother' instinct that's telling her I probably don't have much time before I end up in a hospital or in a casket if this doesn't turn around. She's likely right. I hate to admit it... but I'm not blind, I can see and feel it too. At one point I knew I was dying on the inside, and I still am. I never imagined it would go so far as to consume me though, literally. I can see my clothes not fitting any more. I can feel my energy level dropping drastically. It's almost like I can feel this eating me alive... and I can't stop it. It's not like I don't try though. I'm just not able to eat without getting very sick and sometimes the food coming right back. Trust, I like it much better when it's going down, not coming up. Ick! Most of the time just looking at or smelling food makes me nauseous. I thought that medication would fix all of this. It turns out, it only helped a little, and not where I needed it most.
So, where do I go from here... when my mother is crying because she's afraid to lose me... when I'm crying because I'm hurting her and I can't stop her pain or mine... when she tells me I have to have something to 'anchor' me to this world... when I know that the one thing that does, the one person that does, is the only thing I can't have.
I have no idea where to go from here, nor even what to do. It feels like any solution I do have, is something that won't happen. I'm lost. As much as it hurts me to admit to that... for once in my life, I'm completely lost and out of ideas. I know I need to do something. I know I probably don't have to long to figure out what that is. I just don't know how to get to anywhere from here.
Once, I had a road map... a clear path to what I thought was a perfect life, real Love, and honest happiness. Now, I have solitude, time to lament, a life that is slowly deteriorating, and everyone else's tears as well as my own on my hands. If nothing else, I have amazing memories and I still have real and honest Love in my heart and soul. That I am thankful for. It's something I never thought I would get to experience.
They say Love kills. Love doesn't kill. Being In Love raises your heart and soul to levels you never even dreamed you could reach. It brings happiness that you never dreamed possible. ... It's losing that Love, being separated from it, that kills. Literally. ... But that's an entire blog in itself, and one that will have to wait until a moment when I'm dropping a few less tears on my keyboard.
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