Smile... and a hair cut

My day started out with work... well, waking up late for work and barely having time to get ready, but at least I made out the door and there on time. That was a miracle. The rest of the day was work, but I did actually get to work in the Vision Center for awhile today instead of doing training mods all day, which was really fun.

After work... well, some things that made me smile and some things that made me cry... but sometimes that's just normal for me.

Anyway, after waking up from a nap with a great reason to smile (won't mention that... TMI I think lol), I go into my computer room to light an incense stick so I can smoke while I'm on my computer. Evidently, the burning stick got too close to my hair because I wasn't really paying proper attention to the burning item. ... Note to self, pay attention to location of burning items in the future.

My first thought is 'Holy Fuck, my hair's on fire!!!'

My second thought is 'OMG that STINKS!!!'

My third though, before I went to brush all the seared ends out of my hair... which was totally surprising for the way I've been lately, was 'Well, I needed my hair trimmed on that side anyway, so I guess I just saved some money.'

I was actually laughing about it! Wow! That's amazing, as I think for the way I have been recently, I would've normally cried and gone back to bed.

So, I returned to my computer, swept off the burnt hair, and decided to write a short blog about it. Mostly because the tone is so much different than it has been in blogs past... so I felt the need to let some good stuff out instead of it all being depressing.

All in all... even with the burnt hair... I guess it ended up being a good day. Which is REALLY nice, because I desperately needed one of those.

Now, on to work on my fishy tanks... all 30 of them. LOL That may be a post for some other time.

Insomnia and blogging is almost as bad as drunken texting

I'm finding out that I evidently have a serious case of insomnia. It kinda sux. I'm sure as soon as I take my sleeping pill I'll be out, at least for a little while anyway. It's not like they work that well, because I'm seriously getting used to them. Ha, Ha, Ha I remember when a half of a .5mg pill would knock me out cold. Now I take the whole .5mg every night, and it only keeps me asleep for about 4 or 5 hours at best. I also now have 1mg pills to take at night if I need to sleep for more like 7 or 8 hours, but that's all I get out of those. I haven't tried the 2mg ones yet, but I do have them, and I'm sure I'll have to at some point.

Maybe it has something to do with sleeping alone and being alone all the time. Even when I had to sleep alone before, hearing my favorite voice before bed or getting a sweet good night text was enough to grant me a peaceful sleep. I don't have that anymore, so I've been doing the best I can with the pills. I know I have to sleep, so it's not like I have much of a choice. I hate them though, because I know how addicting they are. Hopefully someday I'll be able to put all this medication behind me and look back at this as just a very rough spot in my life that I made it through. Hopefully. ... At this point though, I don't see that happening... and alone... I'm not sure I ever see it happening.

Someone very important to me recently wrote 'all things are possible to move past, but some things are impossible to get over'. I will agree that some things are impossible to get over. Hell, my life is a living testament to that right now. In the past, I might have even agreed that all things are possible to get past... but right now, with this situation, I can't agree. I can't manage to get past this. How do you get past being separated from the only person you've ever been In Love with? I don't have an answer for that. I don't know if anyone does. Maybe if you've been In Love more than once, it gets easier to get over each time. I just don't know. I'm guessing, based upon what I've seen though, that must be the case. Regardless, it's only ever happened to me once, and I don't foresee it ever happening again. Not just because it took 34 years to happen the first time, but given how strongly I feel and how much I'm hurting... I'll never let it happen again. I know, never say never or forever right? I always used to use that line. In the past year though, I've said both words more than I ever have in my life. So, I'm confident in saying that now. He was the first... and he will be the last. I don't doubt for a moment that I will Love him forever. Absolutely, Eternally, and Unconditionally. He will always be the one man I will drop everything for to be with, no matter what. Unfortunately, I'm starting to feel more and more like that is one sided. Whether it really is or not, I might not ever know. If it is... I probably don't want to know.

Is ignorance truly bliss? I don't know. I guess I'd rather have the hard honest truth than have to wonder, guess, and assume. "The truth... You can't handle the truth!" Maybe I can't, but never the less, I'd rather have it anyway.

So, it's almost 6am and here I am gushing on a computer screen. It's not like I have anything better to do as I'm off work today anyway. I have an appointment with the therapist that I really don't like... but that concludes my plans for the entire day. I know, my life is just sooo eventful anymore. Most of my day revolves around either Fish World on Facebook, napping, or work now, since I got a new job. Most of my thoughts, day and night revolve around one person... which is something that I love sometimes... and something that makes me cry many others. I do think a lot about moving away too. Yeah, I have a new job, but I can transfer to any store in the country, so that's not an issue. The only thing that even keeps me here is the hope that someday, maybe I'll get a second chance with the man I Love so deeply and maybe even be able to move away together. Yeah, it's a long shot. I'm trying to stay optimistic at the moment though. Funny, I always used to be such an optimist... now it's getting harder and harder each day to be like that.

So much has happened and changed in what chronologically has been just one short year, but mentally and emotionally could have easily filled ten of those years. I never imagined I would be here today, blogging about the randomness that's going through my mind, mostly because I have no other outlet for it and really have no one that will listen anymore. Well, except my therapist... whom I've already mentioned I don't like. Anyway, she's paid to listen to me and never gives any kind of decent advice, so that doesn't even count for much.

I guess I'm done for tonight... or this morning. I do actually have an appointment I have to wake up and get ready for in 5 hours. Ugh. I'm sure there will be many more blogs to follow about life, love, what it's like to be alone, living in and with silence, and I'm sure one on how cool it is to spend Valentine's Day (as I have all the rest of the recently past holidays) alone.

Okay, I'm depressed enough to sleep now I guess. A little yellow pill and I'll be out cold, for 4 hours or so anyway. If I'm lucky I won't have nightmares, but as that's getting to be an every night occurrence, I'm not feeling too good about actually falling asleep. God, it's like I'm living my worst nightmare. ... "Whatever you do... don't... fall... asleep."

A Mother's Tears... and mine too

I just got off of the phone with my mother. She called because she's worried about me. The worst of it is... that I had to listen to her cry. I guess this is one of those times when I wish I had stayed on the extra medication that my doctor had put me on, as I wouldn't have been able to cry back... but that, of course, wasn't the case. She cried because she's worried about me and scared for me. Honestly, I'm scared too, but that isn't helping me either. She's afraid she's going to have to bury me. She knows I'm dying. At 112 pounds, and dropping about two more each week, I'm afraid too. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight... at least not a good one. She's my mother, so I'm going to assume that she just has that 'mother' instinct that's telling her I probably don't have much time before I end up in a hospital or in a casket if this doesn't turn around. She's likely right. I hate to admit it... but I'm not blind, I can see and feel it too. At one point I knew I was dying on the inside, and I still am. I never imagined it would go so far as to consume me though, literally. I can see my clothes not fitting any more. I can feel my energy level dropping drastically. It's almost like I can feel this eating me alive... and I can't stop it. It's not like I don't try though. I'm just not able to eat without getting very sick and sometimes the food coming right back. Trust, I like it much better when it's going down, not coming up. Ick! Most of the time just looking at or smelling food makes me nauseous. I thought that medication would fix all of this. It turns out, it only helped a little, and not where I needed it most.

So, where do I go from here... when my mother is crying because she's afraid to lose me... when I'm crying because I'm hurting her and I can't stop her pain or mine... when she tells me I have to have something to 'anchor' me to this world... when I know that the one thing that does, the one person that does, is the only thing I can't have.

I have no idea where to go from here, nor even what to do. It feels like any solution I do have, is something that won't happen. I'm lost. As much as it hurts me to admit to that... for once in my life, I'm completely lost and out of ideas. I know I need to do something. I know I probably don't have to long to figure out what that is. I just don't know how to get to anywhere from here.

Once, I had a road map... a clear path to what I thought was a perfect life, real Love, and honest happiness. Now, I have solitude, time to lament, a life that is slowly deteriorating, and everyone else's tears as well as my own on my hands. If nothing else, I have amazing memories and I still have real and honest Love in my heart and soul. That I am thankful for. It's something I never thought I would get to experience.

They say Love kills. Love doesn't kill. Being In Love raises your heart and soul to levels you never even dreamed you could reach. It brings happiness that you never dreamed possible. ... It's losing that Love, being separated from it, that kills. Literally. ... But that's an entire blog in itself, and one that will have to wait until a moment when I'm dropping a few less tears on my keyboard.

Too Much... Nothing

So... I guess the best place to start is with the lyrics to the song that produced my blog title. They're by Mushroomhead, who just happens to be one of my favorite groups. Probably my favorite of all time. I've followed them since 1996. They're a local band from Cleveland, Ohio. Although they are amazing, their music is hard and unique, and they are definitely worthy of 'hitting it big', they've been screwed over by record labels, copied by a band who did make it big by using their style (Shitknot), and screwed over some more. Still, there are lots of loyal fans out there (I should know as I am one) that will always love them and see them as 'big time', no matter what.

Too Much Nothing

Mushroomhead

Too much nothing
I'm always excusing myself
But now it's getting hard to tell the reason why I even care
Increasingly I'm unaware
Instead of bettering myself I'm crawling deeper in my shell too much
The whole point that I am alive seems to escape me at this time
Time I think too much
Nothing too much
I've never known how to behave
I think too much
I've never strayed far from the grave
Nothing too much
I need to get up off the ground
Nothing too much
To force myself to make a sound

Well, that's likely what my blogs will end up being. There's always entirely too much nothingness spinning through my brain... so maybe getting some of it out will end up being beneficial in some way. Who knows. It'll be something... and they say that's always better than nothing.