Maybe it has something to do with sleeping alone and being alone all the time. Even when I had to sleep alone before, hearing my favorite voice before bed or getting a sweet good night text was enough to grant me a peaceful sleep. I don't have that anymore, so I've been doing the best I can with the pills. I know I have to sleep, so it's not like I have much of a choice. I hate them though, because I know how addicting they are. Hopefully someday I'll be able to put all this medication behind me and look back at this as just a very rough spot in my life that I made it through. Hopefully. ... At this point though, I don't see that happening... and alone... I'm not sure I ever see it happening.
Someone very important to me recently wrote 'all things are possible to move past, but some things are impossible to get over'. I will agree that some things are impossible to get over. Hell, my life is a living testament to that right now. In the past, I might have even agreed that all things are possible to get past... but right now, with this situation, I can't agree. I can't manage to get past this. How do you get past being separated from the only person you've ever been In Love with? I don't have an answer for that. I don't know if anyone does. Maybe if you've been In Love more than once, it gets easier to get over each time. I just don't know. I'm guessing, based upon what I've seen though, that must be the case. Regardless, it's only ever happened to me once, and I don't foresee it ever happening again. Not just because it took 34 years to happen the first time, but given how strongly I feel and how much I'm hurting... I'll never let it happen again. I know, never say never or forever right? I always used to use that line. In the past year though, I've said both words more than I ever have in my life. So, I'm confident in saying that now. He was the first... and he will be the last. I don't doubt for a moment that I will Love him forever. Absolutely, Eternally, and Unconditionally. He will always be the one man I will drop everything for to be with, no matter what. Unfortunately, I'm starting to feel more and more like that is one sided. Whether it really is or not, I might not ever know. If it is... I probably don't want to know.
Is ignorance truly bliss? I don't know. I guess I'd rather have the hard honest truth than have to wonder, guess, and assume. "The truth... You can't handle the truth!" Maybe I can't, but never the less, I'd rather have it anyway.
So, it's almost 6am and here I am gushing on a computer screen. It's not like I have anything better to do as I'm off work today anyway. I have an appointment with the therapist that I really don't like... but that concludes my plans for the entire day. I know, my life is just sooo eventful anymore. Most of my day revolves around either Fish World on Facebook, napping, or work now, since I got a new job. Most of my thoughts, day and night revolve around one person... which is something that I love sometimes... and something that makes me cry many others. I do think a lot about moving away too. Yeah, I have a new job, but I can transfer to any store in the country, so that's not an issue. The only thing that even keeps me here is the hope that someday, maybe I'll get a second chance with the man I Love so deeply and maybe even be able to move away together. Yeah, it's a long shot. I'm trying to stay optimistic at the moment though. Funny, I always used to be such an optimist... now it's getting harder and harder each day to be like that.
So much has happened and changed in what chronologically has been just one short year, but mentally and emotionally could have easily filled ten of those years. I never imagined I would be here today, blogging about the randomness that's going through my mind, mostly because I have no other outlet for it and really have no one that will listen anymore. Well, except my therapist... whom I've already mentioned I don't like. Anyway, she's paid to listen to me and never gives any kind of decent advice, so that doesn't even count for much.
I guess I'm done for tonight... or this morning. I do actually have an appointment I have to wake up and get ready for in 5 hours. Ugh. I'm sure there will be many more blogs to follow about life, love, what it's like to be alone, living in and with silence, and I'm sure one on how cool it is to spend Valentine's Day (as I have all the rest of the recently past holidays) alone.
Okay, I'm depressed enough to sleep now I guess. A little yellow pill and I'll be out cold, for 4 hours or so anyway. If I'm lucky I won't have nightmares, but as that's getting to be an every night occurrence, I'm not feeling too good about actually falling asleep. God, it's like I'm living my worst nightmare. ... "Whatever you do... don't... fall... asleep."
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