While there are many things that have been able to touch my heart, as I am truly a very emotional person, there has only ever been one person that has gotten it to fall In Love. One person I ever felt that for, one person I ever trusted enough to let in, one person I ever felt connected enough to and sure enough of, to let him have my heart. That's something that means the world to me, as I've never even let someone that close to it before, let alone completely given it to someone. Yeah, that required no only an amazing connection to that person, but an incredible amount of trust, as I know how fragile my heart is. Sure, on the outside I'm a tough girl. I've been accused of looking right through people, being made of stone, having a heart of stone, being the strongest person anyone has ever met, and even being outright evil at times. Maybe some of that really is me. I am stronger than most people I know, when I want to be, when I have to be, and definitely when I'm at my best. I've lived through hell many times over. I've walked away with the scars to prove it... but I've always walked away... not crawled. Perhaps I come across as being made of stone. Maybe that's just how I put myself out there. I guess the having a heart of stone thing goes along with that, as I don't let people get close to me... and I let even fewer into my life. It's likely my own personal form of self preservation. I've been like that for as long as I can remember though.
I'm supposing the man I actually fell completely In Love with, has no idea what a practically impossible battle he has won, to totally overcome 30+ years of self preservation and walls, just to win my heart, which for me is the most precious thing I have, and something that has always been kept meticulously guarded, for fear of having it shattered.
He knows me better than anyone else ever has. He knows that when I'm accused of being a cold, heartless bitch, that's not the truth... and not even close to who I am on the inside. It's just what I let the rest of the world see. I'm really just very guarded and unwilling to let people in. Again... self preservation.
He knows he is the only one that has access to the me behind the steel curtain, and knows that I keep it that way always. I keep everyone else at a distance. To the rest of the world, I am something they can look at, but never get close to and never touch. Truly, I like it that way. Maybe that's strange and doesn't make sense to some people... but to me, it makes all the sense in the world. In the end, I'm the only one that needs to understand why I will only let one person close to me and one person into my heart. Well, I guess I'm one of two people... but the other understands me, and always has, as if we were one person.
So, having something so amazing in my heart, what could possibly make me feel like I want to crawl into my shell and hide?
While there is nothing more incredible than having your heart completely filled with Love, there is nothing more painful than having the person you Love be mean or cold to you... and I'm not even going to go into how it feels to see that person with someone else, looking happy and content. All in all, it's beyond heart wrenching. It's a pain that no pill can dull. It brings tears that burn your very soul.
I'm wondering, at the moment, what is wrong with me? Yeah, me. I'm not ugly by any means. I have a shape that is closer to that of an anime character than a real human. ... I'm the most loving and attentive person I know (when I get a chance to be). I adore doing little things for someone, just to see them smile. ... I love being able to give all of myself to the man I'm In Love with, Heart, Soul, Mind, and Body. ... I don't lie. I don't cheat. I believe that with unconditional Love comes trust, trust that is freely given, not something that someone has to prove. I don't ask for proof. I believe that the person I Love will speak the truth. ... I work my ass off for the things that I have, and enjoy doing it, yet I am the most giving person I know. I would gladly give the person I Love everything I have, including the shirt off my back, because it makes me happy to do so. ... I don't believe in keeping anyone on a short leash (or on a leash at all for that matter). I Love a Man... not a dog. ... I don't require that someone change into someone they aren't to appease me. I would rather let him be who he really is, and Love him unconditionally for that. ... I believe in the power of Hope, Faith, Love, and meant to be. I believe that if you are truly In Love with someone, ANYTHING is possible. I believe in 'soulmates'. I believe in a connection that transcends space and time.
I believe, with every fiber of my being, that I have that with someone. At one point in time, it was sooo apparent, that everyone else could see it too, without either of us saying a word. I DON'T believe that is something that is gone, or that ever truly goes away. Perhaps it's gotten buried beneath the world of shit that life has chosen to throw at us. I believe there are forces in this world that don't want people to be truly happy and In Love. I believe the evil in the world is constantly working to tear apart true soulmates, and that it will succeed if they aren't strong enough to stand up against it and overcome it. The beauty of being with your soulmate though, is that you discover how strong the two of you are together... unfortunately, it also reminds you how much weaker you are apart. Together you can weather any storm, take on and take over the world. Apart... well, the world all of the sudden feels like a very lonely place again.
I can't even begin to explain how I feel right now. It's such a strange mix of Love and Peace from the knowledge of what I have in my heart and the amazing memories that has given me... and absolute Pain and Agony from harsh words spoken, the coldness in his demeanor when we talk, seeing the man I Love with someone else, and the unanswered questions that accompany that. Again, I don't understand, and it really hurts. I don't doubt, that deep inside, he still feels the same Love I do. Why would I? I've been assured of that so many times. When we're together, the connection is there, there is Love in his eyes and in everything he does. I can feel it as well as see it. I just don't understand why it's so different when we're apart... or even why we have to be apart. I'm very confused right now. My world does't make sense to me at all. Hence, feeling like a turtle that wants to hide inside it's shell until the world makes sense again and is someplace it feels like it belongs.
In the end, I'm staring at the keyboard while I type (even though that's really unnecessary), and looking at a pair of black rings that are on my fingers, which I am trying not to drop too many tears onto at the moment. I'm not much for jewelry, but they mean so much to me, and are a constant reminder of where my heart is, where it waits, and where it is destined to remain.
Regardless of whether I decide to hide in my shell for awhile or not, my Heart and Soul will not be there with me. They will be with the one and only man who was ever strong enough, perseverant enough, and an amazing enough creature to capture them. What he decides to do with them, is up to him. He told me at one time... "I'd rather live a lifetime with a broken heart than break a heart that is so precious to me. I'll always want to be with you. Forever. ... The love I have for you is the most intense, absolute, purest form of love I have ever held in my heart. And to hear you say my name makes my world spin around. ... You're my true soulmate. I believe that with all the pieces of my shattered heart, and so long as there's a shred of hope we could be together, I'd wait." ... Even though I am hurt and heartbroken at the moment, I still believe those words to be true, as I always have. I still believe that my Heart and Soul are safe with him, as they have always been.
As long as there is a shred of hope we could be together... I'll wait. I've made the same promise he did, and I will keep that... just as I have been doing, just as I will continue to do... In Life, In Death, In Love.
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