I guess every blog, profile, etc needs an ‘About Me’ section, so here goes. Be warned though, if you don’t know me very well, some of this will be a surprise and some of it just won’t make sense at all. If you do know me well, you’ll likely just laugh and shake your head. Either way, have fun viewing a glimpse of my inner insanity.
I was born on April 29th, 1974 at 5:45pm in Erie , PA. Saint Vincent Hospital
I’m 36 years old, at least while I’m writing this, although I still think I’m 25 and am pretty much refusing to grow up and/ or grow old. I honestly have a hard time figuring out where the last 10 years of my life have gone and why I’m not 25 anymore. My body still feels and looks about 25, but my mind feels about 250. This is a very confusing concept for me to grasp, so most times I don’t even try to understand it, I just go with it.
Age dilemmas set aside, I am an old soul. My mind functions as if it has somehow lived many lifetimes and I’m sure that it is simply transference between my soul and the deepest corners of my mind. I have lived more life, in my short time in this body, than most people have experienced who are twice my age. If that has been the case, throughout many lifetimes, then my feeling of being old beyond my years is somehow justified. It’s a strange and disconcerting feeling, to feel as if you have ‘been there and done that’, even if you know, in this life, you haven’t. Stranger yet, is looking into someone’s eyes and knowing you have looked into them before, many times before and seeing something there that you can’t quite put your finger on, but something that is so familiar to your soul that your mind pushes ever harder to find its distant memory, yet it can not. It’s a beautifully confusing feeling… one I will never really understand, but will always love.
My earliest memory is sled riding down the hill at my Great Grandparent’s house with my Father. I was told I was about 3 years old then. It still floors me that some things are so clear in my mind, and others that should be (like what I was supposed to remember to do today) are so distant.
I’ll not get into my childhood much here, as it would take forever. I’ll save most of that blog vomit for another time. In a nut shell, my childhood was good and bad. Isn’t everyone’s though? I was never really into school. I found most of it beyond boring. What should have been mind motivating, was most times mind numbing. It was always entirely too easy for me to skim through a book, teach myself the lessons the class was learning for the semester in less than a week, and go on with my life. Homework didn’t appeal to me, as I always considered it mindless busy work. Sure, I can see its application if you are one of the students who can not grasp the concept of what is being taught, but that wasn’t the case with me, so I found it to be pointless. Unfortunately, it doesn’t seem to matter if you can ace all the tests, when the homework you refuse to do counts as half of your grade. So, As on tests and Fs on homework average out to a C student who is in gifted classes, generally bored with school, and is always trying to find something else to occupy their overactive mind… some of which isn’t always good. (evil grin)
Contrary to what most people would think, I am and have always been kind of shy. If I am comfortable with my surroundings and the people there, I am a veritable social butterfly. Otherwise, I am content to sit quietly and take in the activities around me… always psychoanalyzing what is going on, of course. If I look like I am staring blankly into space, don’t be fooled, there are worlds constructing themselves inside my mind. I have always been like that, at least for as long as I can remember.
I see beyond what I should. I guess that merits some explanation. Deja Vu is something that is entirely too familiar to me, and the least of what I experience. Most times, it is more like premonitions, as much of what I see actually happens. Other times, in the instance of deep connection, it is actually seeing through someone else’s eyes, which is very disorienting. No, I don’t have any control over it. Sometimes I wish I did. Ah, to be able to see more than I can when I want to, and to see less than I do when I see something I don’t want to see, would be a gift and a blessing. For now though, as it has always been, this is both a blessing and a curse. I keep telling myself I will work on learning to channel this. Funny, in 2009 I not only started to find out how strong it is and lose my fear of it, but also started learning how to give it direction. As that situation crumbled though, and my safe haven for experimentation was stolen away from me, I found myself being taken over by something I couldn’t control on my own. Incidentally, I still believe I was never meant to be able to handle it alone, which is why it didn’t get amazingly strong until it was held tight in the hands of my soulmate, the only person who has ever been able to not only amplify but control whatever this is… this ‘thing’ I was born with that I still can’t explain. My last resort and only means of saving myself from certain destruction, was to medicate away what only a year prior, I had dug out of the recesses of my mind and welcomed with open arms into the forefront of my life. Did I miss it? Of course, as you would miss anything that has always been with you, that has become a part of you, that you are forced to lock away. Strangely enough, little by little it is finding its way out of its locked box. I think, somehow, I knew the medication would only be able to constrain it for so long. The combination of mind, soul, and metaphysics is something much stronger than any pharmaceutical. Once again, I see beyond what I should… but this time, without any help to keep it in check. The future is only frightening… when you see glimpses of what it holds. An unknown, is much easier to deal with.
I am an addict. I am addicted to caffeine and nicotine. No, not the worst things one could be addicted to, but still bad enough. I’m usually a very tired person, so if I plan on staying awake for more than a few hours at a time… I pound coffee like an athlete pounds water. Starbucks is definitely my weakness. I love every chance I get to go there and would probably live there, if I could. Yes, I smoke. I have since I was a teenager. Why? I’m not completely sure. I have my reasons which make it justifiable in my own mind, but perhaps that’s just the nature of addiction.
I am very self conscious about what I weigh and how I look. Sometimes this goes to the extreme of not eating, although that is usually a subconscious reaction. Sure, I recognize it… but only after I have ‘forgotten’ to eat for a day or two. I have my own theories about why I’m like this, but I’m certainly not about to disclose them here. Sorry. If you know me well enough, I’m sure you have your own theories too, so have fun with those.
I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. I am the oldest of 4 children. I am closest to my next youngest sister, who I refer to as ‘Seester’ or ‘Teege’. She has been there for me throughout my life, and has never abandoned me… even though I’m sure she has wanted to, at least a few times. More recently, she is my personal psychotherapist. Most of the time I appreciate it and other times I don’t, but she is still my Seester, regardless, and I still love her. My brother is outrageously smart (I think it runs in the family) and many times a serious smart ass. He’s really funny though and is someone anyone would appreciate having in their lives. My youngest sister is also very smart and is about to graduate college with a degree in Marine Biology. She’s funny and easy to get along with. No matter how rough things get, she’s always the person you can count on to lend a smile and try to lighten a room with a joke. Yeah, I Love them all!!! I’m so glad I wasn’t an only child.
My mother is amazing. She is strong and steady, occasionally unstable, and always full of Love. She has had to live a hard life, but has always done her best for all of us, even if we’ve driven her to the brink of insanity… repeatedly. I’ll always appreciate all her efforts, hard work, wise words, and Love. Those are the things that last a lifetime.
I don’t make close friends easily. I almost always keep the real me hidden and just beyond the reach of anyone who tries to get too close to me. Self preservation, I suppose. I do however have many acquaintances and friends that mean a lot to me.
I have two best friends. They are the kind of friends that know everything about you, yet still accept you just the way you are. The ones that will not judge you, usually, and even if they do, it’s purely out of love. These are the two people in my life, that neither space, time, nor situations have been able to separate us, nor will they ever. Trust, all of those things have tried to, repeatedly, but they have never been successful. I absolutely love them. Well, truth be told, I Love one and am in Love with the other. Yes, there is a difference. It definitely makes for a strange situation. If you know me though, you already know all the details. If you don’t know me, or don’t know the details, it’s likely because you’re not supposed to… so don’t look to me to disclose any of them. What I hold inside me is mine and mine alone. What I choose to share can either be a blessing or a curse… it’s all in how you look at it. If you have the key the little black box I keep inside myself, feel free to use it. The catch, is that I alone know where it is hidden. A proverbial, ‘sword in the stone’. No, it’s not an open invitation, as one might have imagined. Trust, Hope, Faith, and Love. Without those, can any treasure actually be found, much less acquired? No… Not one that’s worth having anyway.
I have lived a lot of places. Some of which I loved and some I really disliked. The longest I have lived anywhere, since I was a teenager, was just over 5 years and was the place I most recently left. I’ve said many times, ‘A rolling stone gathers no moss… A mossy stone gets stepped on and left behind.’ There is truth in that, at least for me. I am not beyond dropping everything to chase a dream, or remaining in one place to wait for one. I would love to travel and to see the world… but I won’t do it alone. No matter where you are and where you go, there is always a stability and security in having your Love by your side through it all. Good Lord willing, I will someday have that chance. Otherwise, I may be doomed to become that mossy stone… while I wait for ‘someday’.
I love music. I’ve played a lot of instruments over the course of my life. I don’t get along very well with stringed instruments, although I would love to have a relationship with one some day. I can listen to almost anything, but my tastes are pretty mood dependent and therefore definitely wide ranging. Like anyone, I have my favorite groups and songs. Some of those remain on my favorites list for a long time and others change with the times, with my life, and with the moment. I love how a song can bring back vivid memories and take you back to a place and time in your mind, be it good or bad. Right now, Pink Floyd’s ‘Wish You Were Here’ is playing in the background. (sigh) This definitely transcends the confines of space and time. ‘We’re just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl, Year after Year… …Wish you were here’. (sigh) There is a life to music, to song, that is all its own. It lives and breathes within me, touches the very core of who I am, and can bring a smile to my face as quickly as it can bring tears to my eyes. … I give an amazing amount of credit to composers, to the people who can pull music and lyrics from their very soul and expose them for all the world to see. You will never be closer to a musician, than when you allow the music that has come from their heart and soul to penetrate your very core, as at that moment, a part of them, has become a part of you.
With that note of inspiration, as always, I will leave the rest of this blog for some other time. I won’t promise I’ll get back to it, or even finish it. I will try though. Someone told me once ‘It’s all about commitment’. Prior to 2 years ago, I had huge issues with commitment. Since then though, I’ve learned the value of it, learned to do it, and am steadily working toward applying my new found skill to other areas of my life. So, who knows… maybe I will finish this blog, or at least continue it sometime soon… maybe.
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